Saturday, September 23, 2006, 10:48 PM
its been more then a month since i blogged. cldnt really find a time that i could really consolidate all my thoughts to type it down..but as time passed, more things happened..thus, leading to more stuff for me to think through. and as prelims draw nearing, i didnt even use the com..but i did d/l some songs..but that's besides the point..anw, prelim is OVER..wahahahaha...its a really great relief, like a great burden has been thrown off me. but a small fear started to creep into me..the fear of not being able to do well enough. but nvm. its over, i cant do anything bout this but only to do better for the next. still the worse IS over. everyone says that there's still the big Os, thatis its not over yet. but still, i beg to differ. HELLO! its prelims that we all fear the most! prelims is the one that all of us fear about. its the one that would kill us all. its true and we all know it. cant we allow ourselves to take a breathe, rest for a while before finishing our marathon with a great big bang? on the highest note? if we dont rest now, i seriously think some of us wld end up cracking n breaking down. so please ppl, give urself a break!!! for your on body n brain's sake...
now that prelims are over, i finally realise how bad i really am. as in, i knew i was bad at this, but i didnt know it was this bad. all along i thot it was still "save-able" that i would still be..at least..remembered? i knew somethings that i can be ait hard to be contacted, but i AM just a few steps away. n i can be easily found. i did not move away. and my house number has not changed for bout 8 years. its not like i have teleported to some unknown planet lyk pluto, wait pluto aint even a planet anymore, its a star. does it mean that i m not in their universe anymore? that i aint "part" of it anymore. ppl may just say dont take it to heart, its just part and parcel of life. stuff comes and goes. but, its not the fist time. n i really seriously want this to be the last, but is this possible? sadly, a really strong feeling in me tells me otherwise. sad, but true. for me, its really hard to move on. even when i know i shld just forget about it when i really just cant. everytime the feelin subsides, something else happens and this starts all over again. maybe i shld just cut off all ties, maybe that would be much better. at least by then, i wouldnt even know such stuff is happening. so yar..just................................
and then, there's problems with other stuff. the timing problem. its a very irritating problem. cause other things i can control. but i can control time!! even though ppl always say u can control ur own time, but, stuff that goes around me always seem to clash. n after i try to make things right, it gets messed up ALL OVER AGAIN.hiaz..
actually the msg i got at sermon was really a bell. . about not only letting your mind control or your knowledge do the decision making, but also letting ur heart and the holy spirit it u make the decision. that u let god take ocntrol of ur life and let him carry you. not pull him along when u you hand in hand with him, but give urself to him to let him carry you n ur burden. n not keep making decisions with ur brain. n trying to control things which you cant. i guess that's why i m in such a state. coz i m always trying to control stuff. trying to control my behaviour, my thoughts and my feelings. my brain trying to tell my heart how i should feel at every particular situation. n now, i m in a mess of how i really feel, i dont know what am i exactly feeling. cause i m blured with what i m feeling n how i shld feel n i have no idea what exactly am i even feeling.
i thank god i went for service today, that even at the last minute, i knew i was going to be late, i still went. and i didnt regret a single moment i was there, even though i ended up being super late for tuition, i didnt care.[mayb i did..a little..but nvm..] it was worth it. i know i need a spritual breakthough. that i should really work on it. once n forall, have determination to go throuhg and not always stop half way. and that i should also make some amendments to my character. to really really change for the better. not to lose who i am but be a better me. this time, i ll really try. i ll put my heart in it. and this time, i m seating on the passenger's seat.