Tuesday, July 18, 2006, 8:13 PM
i aint rushing for time today. this morning i woke up quite early.woekn by alarm at 6. took my a few seconds to register that there was no need to go to sch. then i went on back to slp. by the time i woke up again it was 8. then went to the computer. had nothing much to do.so searched for new blogskin.and thus ended up with this. then saw james came online. [//actually b4 he came online, i saw his post on my blog. it really made me ponder, reflect. alot. it made me feel that i was back to square one. ALL OVER AGAIN. that what i have been tryin to ignore, put aside till Os is over or sumthing. that i keep thinking that i aint ready for this. even though part if me really wants it. really want to be like them. to have to courage to go out. to step out of my comfort zone and do something. serve. i always think that i am too young too dumb to immature in that way. that i aint cut out of it. \\n i still think that way..but tt's beside the pt\\but i started thinking all over again. i m still stuck here with nothing accomplished. wad if i get knock down my a car tmr? even though mum n dad always say ur job now is to study and do it right. that everything else can wait till after Os. but after Os, there's still As. after As, there s still uni n it goes on and on. when ll i ever have the time, the opportunity. wad if some thing happens out of plan tmr? the time IS drawing near. i can feel it. it really is. [which reminds me, i have not finished readin revelations yet.] some thing made me want to talk to james and ask him stuff. i got really harsh answers from him. nothing comforting. juz really really harsh words. but words and answers that were straight to the point and cutting. words that make perfect sense. stuff that you have always know but denied and tried to ignore but has never gone away. i still dont know my choice. NO. i know my choice. i juz need the courage to make that choice.]
anw. coz of chatting. not chatting um..talking to james i ended up late to meet che mei n dancers. in the end they helped me take the dance shoe thingy. then we went yoshi for brunch. then chatted til naomi came. then che mei n i left to go shopping. lol. spend quite alot i guess. but its the last time i m probably doing this till after Os. made mum pissed by forgetting the time. so left early. meet mum did sum stuff at the bank then came home. so here i am now.
[after talking to james, i grabbed the book that mum got me b4 my bdae as my present. its from life book store. i chose it. i wanted to do some thing. then there was preps n other worldly stuff. so it got chuck aside. its now in my bag.
i really should do something dont i. its really time i did something right? i need to do it. i owe it to Him. i dont want to do it for the sake that i OWE it to Him even though its oso true. i want to do it coz i love Him.
but thats the thimg that i am scared of most.that i fear most. that i dont want to happen. that i dont love Him. i m really scared of finding the answer to that question. i want to love Him. But do i? i... ...
i should go.
